Where is the line drawn for a touch to ‘be more’?
When does a touch turn into a caress?
When does a massage turn into a …whatever a massage turns into when your eyes close and all you can hear is your heart singing to you?
When does a touch of hair turn into a tightly wound fist of silk that makes your heart quicken as she tilts her head back and moans softly?
When does her touch turn into the moment when all you can feel is the heat in your groin?
Sigh…..
I was at a restaurant the other night with a friend. Yeah, that friend, Heartglow. We were expecting a few other people to show up as well, but as coincidence, fate, luck, or the Practical Jokes, Dirty Tricks, or Fairy Godmother Department of God (pick one) would have it, just she and I were sitting across a table from each other. Upon that realization my heart began singing it’s Heartglow song with giddy glee while I sat there across from her thinking….”Oh Shit!”
I have conversations with my heart.
“You know Heart, it’s been a tough week and I’d really like a break….Just for the next hour or so.”
Heart asks, “What? Are you kidding? No way!”
“No,” I reply, “I’m not kidding. It’s been a tough week and I need a rest from everything that has been fucking with my emotions.”
“Heartglow, Heartglow, Thumpa Thumpa Thumpa.” Heart stops singing for a moment to consider my plea, and then replies, “Ummm, I’m thinking, NO! This is way too much fun. I mean, just look at her. She’s beautiful.”
As I sit across from Heartglow grinning like an idiot I consider ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it grenade style out the window and watching it sail through the cool air in a long arc before landing with a dull splat onto the asphalt parking lot.
I take a deep breath and continue my conversation. “I know she’s beautiful. I’d love to hold her face gently in my hands and tell her how beautiful she is while losing myself in her eyes. Her voice is music and she’s that one flower in a field full of thorny weeds. But, Heart I need a break.”
Heart is of course, unmoved. “Heartglow, Heartglow, Thumpa Thumpa Thumpa.” Heart stops singing and replies, “Like I said, I’m thinking, NO! And yer not going to toss me into the parking lot. Brain told me all about that! Heartglow, Heartglow, Thumpa Thumpa Thumpa.”
Stupid Heart.
So I sat there doing my best to behave myself despite my heart’s unwillingness to cooperate with me. When I get around Heartglow I go all to pieces. I have for years. I find this difficult to explain. She just blows me away. When I look into her eyes I see the most beautiful soul in the universe. I’m lost. I cannot imagine her not being in some part of my life. When we are not speaking and not seeing each other even casually I wander around with a huge hole in me that cannot be filled by anyone but her. Believe me I’ve tried.
I care what she thinks about me. Her especially…yet when I get near her I’m often reduced to a gibbering fool groping for words and trying my best to avoid saying something stupid. My heart laughs at me and my brain just locks up. I can deliver an hour and a half long lecture on Cattleya orchid species and never miss a beat. I can name and talk about Brazilian bifoliate Cattleya in alphabetical order, and the regions of Brazil they grow in. I never suffer stage fright or sweaty palms. When I’m with Heartglow my palms sweat and I get nervous as a guppy in a tank with a large hungry cichlid.
“Hey Brain, where’d you go?”
“Vacation. Costa Rica I think. Can’t tell. It’s dark in here!”
Stupid Brain
I remember one night not long ago when we were “together”, kind of, out on her back porch. There’s an old sofa out there I often refer to as the recreation area. We were sitting at her table drinking coffee and talking like we’ve done a thousand times. Heartglow offered to massage my feet. I was awe struck as I watched her tiny hands move over my feet sending me to an ecstasy of vibrating nerve endings and a furiously beating heart. That she would wash my feet and then massage them quickened my appreciation and passion for her and I loved her more for it.
As we ate our dinner together I looked at her with my usual passion thinking I’m hardly a prize catch. I’m weak, damaged and flawed. I have nothing material to offer her. No house, no big bank account and I earn considerably less money than she does. The only gift I can offer her is me. My respect, my devotion, my passion, my loyalty and my deep and profound love with all that I am, and all that I’ll ever be.
As I walked Heartglow to her car and said good night my heart was still singing, “Heartglow, Heartglow, Thumpa Thumpa Thumpa.”
I got in my car wishing my heart would take a short break. It must have been listening and replied, “NO!”
Stupid Heart
Canhamiana
