Love……………

It’s five in the morning and I woke up with love on my mind. I’m so lucky.  When I wake up writing an article in my mind it’s pointless to try and go back to sleep.  I’d rather get up and make coffee, then begin writing. I could have tossed and turned for an hour before getting up and writing. Why waste a good hour of slumping over my desk arranging my thoughts and chain smoking while the coffee brewed?

No time to waste!

I must splatter semi coherent thoughts across virtual page before they flitter off into mental oblivion.

OK you caught me. I was staring at my fish tanks.  See, the flittering has begun.

Love.  All I can say at 5 AM prior to my first of many cups of very strong Black Silk coffee is, why me?  Why was I foolish enough to fall in love with someone who is incapable of loving me back?

Oh, right….it was my turn.

Hey! Don’t give me that look. I didn’t plan on it.  I was happy to play the happy single sleep with my best friend once in a while role.  I was happy to have a few other lovers to play with as well and not have to worry about the gross entanglements of a committed relationship.

Then love happened.  For a while I was content to keep my big mouth shut for a lot of reasons.  Fear? You bet.  Issues? Oh absolutely. I was full of issues with myself and issues with her. Wouldn’t you know it though….through no fault of mine I managed to work through all of those “issues” in time and then  the love monster hit me like a run away truck.  I knew I was screwed the last time I slept with her. No, I mean really screwed.  There’s having sex and there’s making love.  There’s also that moment when you are totally in it with the person you really honestly love. That moment where everything in the universe makes sense, including God, where everything is, and isn’t at the same time. That “Holy Shit” moment when you realize that this is why love is worth all the pain and suffering that goes with it.  The moment when the soul leaves the body and dances above it in the ecstasy at the realization that this is what they meant when they said sex is beautiful with the one you love.

I touched that place once.  The first time ever in my life.  Before that sex was just sex. Fun, always worth doing…..Great with people I cared about.  I’ve only gone to heaven once….the last time I was with her.  I haven’t been with anyone since. What’s the point?

I finally had to confess my long held feelings. Crap and Damn it all to hell and back!

We have the makings of a fine real life romantic story here.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

That’s not how it went. She was happy to be my friend and sleep with me occasionally, but did not want me, “That way”.  Life is so much fun sometimes.  My response was to make a total fool of myself while the love monster sat back  and laughed at me. The love monster is a prick!

I hardly see her or speak to her these days. Don’t think I don’t want to.  You have no idea.  Her voice is music to me. When I see her my heart goes into overdrive.  It only beats for her. Stupid heart.

“Stop it heart. This is madness.”

“No! I’m in love. Deal with it and sucks to be you. “

“Crap!!”

“Yup”

So I carry this love with me all day, every day as I have for a very long time praying and wishing that one day I will wake up and it will have passed into oblivion.  So far prayer and wishing haven’t worked. Neither has denial, anger,  bargaining, depression or acceptance. Well, OK….I accept the annoying fact that I’m in love with a woman who does not love me. Up the 11th step!

Trouble is my friend, oh oh.

While I sit out under the trees at the nursery I wonder when I’ll be loved.  Hey! Be nice. There’s a ton of pain here.  Somehow, and again through no fault of mine, I crossed that happy single line into I want a relationship city.  I’m not content to just screw around any longer.  I want to love, be loved and build a life with that person.  I have no idea who that person is, or if it will ever happen but I want it. I don’t know how to find that person either.

I can’t advertise a profile on 99.99999999999992% of internet dating sites because I’m TS.  I find that irksome and hilarious at the same time.  Gay, Les, Bi?  Welcome aboard!  Transsexual? Get the fuck outta here!!! We don’t serve your kind! It’s not a matter of having to sit in the back of the internet dating bus.  I’m not even allowed on the bus.   Crap.

I’ve done the beginnings of a profile on Fetlife but I know that will bear no fruit.  Bisexual M to F Dominant seeks female submissive for LTR…….I’ll get responses from everyone but what I’m looking for. At least that’s what experience tells me. like the two responses from men I’ve received so far. Their avatars are typical.  An ass and a cock.  What in the wide, wide world of SM wold make me want to respond to either, “conversation”? More Crap!  I should add that I hold no silly illusions about finding love on an internet site.  Some do, but that’s them.

No, I’ve touched her already, and saw everything and nothing at the same time when I was with her.  That’s why I’m sitting here writing this, and she’s ten miles away doing whatever she’s doing.  She’s always in my heart.

“Damnit Heart, I said stop it!”

“And I said, NO!”

Stupid heart.

Canhamiana